More Apprentice

Noooooooooooooo not Raef!

Admittedly, I knew he wasn't a winner, as much as I adored him for his humorous one-liners and overall well-groomed presentation; the deep blue dressing gown and slicked back hair at 8am was a particularly favoured point, I knew that Alan wasn't going to take him all the way. But to leave before that snake Michael? NO! I protest!

I watched the follow-up show 'The Apprentice: You're Fired!' and it looks like the general public agree. Despite Michael's hilarity, especially in this week's episode, he does not compare to the sheer comedy of Raef. Can I remind you of the big teddy bear suit? Walking around with his arms crossed behind his back as if he were wearing a dinner jacket? He is a prick turned good, and that's the best type of character, one you grow with. In a reality show, you always get tired of the instantly appealing characters. That's another reason why the Apprentice is such a great piece of programming; no one could ever be instantly appealing. What is attractive about a money-hungry rat who will stop at nothing to achieve everything, regardless of who they run down along the way? Well, nothing, unless you're in to that sort of thing.

Of course everyone on the Apprentice is going to come across brash and abrasive. Of course they're going to be a complete nightmare but you watch them grow, you watch them fail and after failure comes remorse. Raef lived the failure and came out on top because of it. Perhaps Alan was right, perhaps it was all hot air, but frankly I liked his version of hot air as opposed to Helene. I'll ask again, what does she do every week?! Never in the boardroom, never says a word and if she manages to get through to the final because of it I will be quite concerned with the editors capabilities because that is not conventional reality show format. You focus on the people you know are going to win, you don't just ignore them until suddenly the audience realises there's another candidate, a winning candidate that they can neither support nor care about because they've seen nothing of them. Learn your audience research! Learn the theory! It ain't on.

The Apprentice

I am an unashamed Apprentice fan. I take pride in being an Apprentice fan, in its intelligence and high capacity for entertainment. It always introduces some top class characters and this year has been no exception.

Last week was a stonker of an episode, a double whack of firing by Sir Allan left the two Jen's kicked to the curb and arguably the two most awful people - neither entertaining, nor capable of successfully completing a task and always always cringeworthy. It's becoming incredibly clear now who's really got the knack for the game.

This week was obviously going to be brilliant from the team switch. Clearly Allan wanted to sack more than one of them because he stuck all the strongest candidates in one team and all the weak in another. There was no way a team of Alex, Helene (whoever she is), Sara (though I hate to admit it because I was certainly a supporter of hers) and that god awful Michael were going to win.

Lets look at the facts: Alex, a big beautiful northern wally. He does so brilliantly but is also weakened by his team, extremely unlucky and has in the past been picked on despite his sales skills, I do worry for his overall ability. I don't think he's going to make it, however lovely looking he is.

Helene...Helene...who the fuck is Helene?!?! I don't know about anyone else but I've watched every episode this series thanks to BBC Iplayer and it wasn't until I saw her face last week, though never hearing her say a ruddy thing, that I realised she existed. Thank goodness she got to lead so I could get a bit of action out of her, not that it was much. All I know now is she used to model wedding dresses and she makes absolutely awful decisions. I seriously can't understand where she came from, did they just pop her in hoping no one would notice? Was she ill? Whatever Helene, you won't last, no way, and youve got absolutely none of the character and charm I've come to expect from the best Apprentice salesmen/women.

Michael, is it even worth talking about Michael? The abysmal 'Jewish boy' who didn't know what the fuck Kosher was. WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT KOSHER IS? I should have blogged about last week's show really but it was so ridiculous and annoying, especially when it followed the other ridiculous annoying show about the greetings cards that really it was tedious to think about these terrible people. It made me want to cry that they were the chosen few. I'm sure the other 20,000 applicants knew what Kosher was. I also would imagine that the other 20,000 applicants would never ever consider a greeting card preaching about environmental issues a worthy idea. What a complete bunch of dildos. I've never been so concerned for the state of humankind as at that point. If they are the real deal, the smartest, most talented and the best then there is absolutely no hope for anyone else. What a lack of common sense.

Michael was funny, now he's just unbearable, how can I look at that? Listen to it? It's torture. He needs to go, he needs to go very very soon and I cannot believe Sir Allan pussied out, so much so, I want to remove the 'sir' from his name...I cannot believe Allan, pussied out. Knobjockey.

Now to the winners, that clear, true winners. There is no one from that team I would ever have wanted to leave. Lucinda is classic, I love her gentle approach and her ability to stop people like Lee from undermining her with it. Despite Lee's hideous outburst on Sara a few weeks ago, I like him, a lot. He's brilliant, he was brilliant in Marrakesh, he is Brilliant.

Claire is a classic Apprentice character. You can't have a series without someone like her. She exactly what Allan is in to and she is so fucking smart. Every comment she makes during the show turns out to be the correct thing to have done. Though maybe she was wrong on the BHS dresses she saw the positive in the risk. She knew striaght off how to split the teams and last week she was the only one who KNEW WHAT KOSHER WAS. The poor thing thought she was the stupid one. She thought that Jen, being all posh 'n that, knew better. I felt so sorry for her at this point because she was constantly pointing out the mistakes. She knows and thus she 0wns.

Raef though, is my absolute number one favourite ever of all time. He is comedy gold. His comment on fat people and cake today was priceless. If you're a woman of size 16-32 then you're probably going to like cake. His attempt at putting a teddy costume on this week was just the cherry on top. He walked around in it in exactly the same way as he usually walks; pacing with his hands crossed behind his back. It was the most bizarre sight you could ever see, imagine being there, poor scamp didn't do that well this week but he got it right with the expensive dresses. He's reasonable and pleasant and likeable and still ridiculously funny in all the right Apprentice ways.

He definitely became number one for me when he defended Sara after Lee's psychotic attack, and made the very clear point that it was unnecessary to be doing so. I can't believe how badly he came across in the first episode, like one big self-wanking cock. I've never experienced anyone develop from that so brilliantly.

I can't even predict a winner and irritatingly I've been told about an interesting twist which I'm not sure whether to reveal here. I don't want to know about it myself though it makes questioning the ending that little big more simple...in a way. I want Raef and Claire in the final though Lucinda and Lee are definitely in the running. Michael and Helene may as well have fucked right off this week because there's no way either of them are going to make it much further.