Oversubscribed

Richard Hammond spends far too much time on my television screen and I don't like it. He's irritating and he makes me want to insult him for being short, which is absurd because I'm short. It is of course, not just his height, it is his hair, it is his teeth, it is his face, it is his stupid stupid shiny jacket. It is his unbearable voice, in short, it is EVERYTHING and I HATE HIM.

That's right, I said it, I hate him perhaps more than I hate Clarkson. Why? Because Clarkson, generally speaking only really appears on Top Gear. I don't have to read the Telegraph or wherever it is he writes and I certainly won't be getting hold of any of his books or DVD's. However, with Hammond, that orange little mole, even if I don't watch his stupid new programmes, they are still advertised every fucking where. Not only that but those Morrisons adverts need away now.

Why do people complain about such inoffensive things. I'll tell you what is offensive, it's Richard Hammond overexpressing with his mouth and his cheeks and his eyes and his voice. Why stretch your words out like that Hammond? Why stretch your mouth as you do it? If it is such effort, if it causes you pain then why do you do it to yourself all over my telly? I mean, of course I love to see you in pain, but not in a way that annoys me like this. I'd like pleasure from your pain Hammond.

Obviously, I'm getting startlingly close to expressing a wish for his accident to have, you know, been worse. Obviously I don't really want anything as close as as bad as that happen to him. Obviously, I just want him back in his little motor car and I want him to drive off wherever he likes on the condition that it is far far away from MY television. He can go off to someone elses television, someone who likes his jacket, but not mine.

The fact that he is imposing himself on the poor children with his new CBBC show is just disgusting. If I had children I would not let them watch that trash, whatever happened to How 2 or Art Attack, that's kids entertainment, and educational.

Why is he suddenly some sort of engineer? It just doesn't make any sense, and sometimes I get a little offended by his overemphasising voice overemphasising the word 'British' in his adverts about 'British' beeft, even though at the same time I completely agree that more of our food should be sourced locally. I think it offends me because it sounds racists, he just puts too much on the word 'British' and it affects my liberal values.

This calls for ACTION, he's a racist pretending to be an engineer and he's trying to teach children about how great cars are. This is not on, I'm going to complain, I want him off my screen for at least a year without pay. Forget this three month Jonathan Ross nonsense, this deserves TRUE PUNISHMENT.

Who's with me?!

Halifax Advert

Now it goes without comment that the Halifax adverts with that incessant man and his singing cronies are among the worst ever created. The fact that he's got a waxwork at Madam Toussauds says more about the sheer idiocy of this country and the individuals who are celebrated than the advertising industry's ability to provide us with decent, non-flicking, non-toilet breaking, non-tea making commercials for our viewing pleasure. I mean I don't expect Guiness-style epic spectaculars from a simple bank like Halifax but please, would you stop covering well-known, usually god-awful, pop songs and changing the lyrics in order to make them about loans or savings accounts.

The only advert that was worth saving was pre-annoying man whose name I'm glad to say, I have completely forgotten. It involved a jolly chubby fellow who sang 'Who Gives You Extra' (instead of 'Who Let the Dogs Out' and, though still ridiculous it had it's own slice of perfection with his brilliant momentary wiggle at the end.

Now, that was way back in the early part of this millennium. Now, unfortunately, we've been subjected to more and more and more songs, more idiots singing idiotic songs and the only form of progression is trying to surpass every expectation by choose the most annoying song and creating the most annoying advert. It's got candles being waved around, a deeply disturbing 'Titanic' moment and it lasts far far too long as far as adverts tend to go.

Why is it that the best ones get cut short really quickly and the worst seem to get longer instead?