Stewart Lee

I will not say much except this:

Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle - Monday, 10pm, BBC2.

Tonight was the first one, it was about books, iplayer it, it was good. If I were to write about it, I would just be retelling hilarious jokes completely unhilariously.

The format is simple, it is essentially standup, think Russell Brand's 'Ponderland' (though Lee would probably kill me for ever daring to compare him with such a 'celebrity hardback' bestseller) in that it approaches a different subject each week, except it is funnier because he is funnier. It is also occasionally interspersed with little sketches to help strengthen a joke. I think they did, I thought they were very bloody funny.

I wonder, what's the point in writing anything here when I've nothing to complain about? It was beautiful, the talk on Harry Potter is basically what I've been saying for ages, only he's better, because he gets more annoyed and he has a better comeback.

Apparently there are six of these, each complaining about some other banal aspect of our everyday lives. Watch them, every single one because, to speak crudely, you will piss your pants.

This is terribly written I know, I'm too lazy to try harder, I give up, I feel powerless. I have already written too much and delayed any reader from watching it themselves.

Oversubscribed

Richard Hammond spends far too much time on my television screen and I don't like it. He's irritating and he makes me want to insult him for being short, which is absurd because I'm short. It is of course, not just his height, it is his hair, it is his teeth, it is his face, it is his stupid stupid shiny jacket. It is his unbearable voice, in short, it is EVERYTHING and I HATE HIM.

That's right, I said it, I hate him perhaps more than I hate Clarkson. Why? Because Clarkson, generally speaking only really appears on Top Gear. I don't have to read the Telegraph or wherever it is he writes and I certainly won't be getting hold of any of his books or DVD's. However, with Hammond, that orange little mole, even if I don't watch his stupid new programmes, they are still advertised every fucking where. Not only that but those Morrisons adverts need away now.

Why do people complain about such inoffensive things. I'll tell you what is offensive, it's Richard Hammond overexpressing with his mouth and his cheeks and his eyes and his voice. Why stretch your words out like that Hammond? Why stretch your mouth as you do it? If it is such effort, if it causes you pain then why do you do it to yourself all over my telly? I mean, of course I love to see you in pain, but not in a way that annoys me like this. I'd like pleasure from your pain Hammond.

Obviously, I'm getting startlingly close to expressing a wish for his accident to have, you know, been worse. Obviously I don't really want anything as close as as bad as that happen to him. Obviously, I just want him back in his little motor car and I want him to drive off wherever he likes on the condition that it is far far away from MY television. He can go off to someone elses television, someone who likes his jacket, but not mine.

The fact that he is imposing himself on the poor children with his new CBBC show is just disgusting. If I had children I would not let them watch that trash, whatever happened to How 2 or Art Attack, that's kids entertainment, and educational.

Why is he suddenly some sort of engineer? It just doesn't make any sense, and sometimes I get a little offended by his overemphasising voice overemphasising the word 'British' in his adverts about 'British' beeft, even though at the same time I completely agree that more of our food should be sourced locally. I think it offends me because it sounds racists, he just puts too much on the word 'British' and it affects my liberal values.

This calls for ACTION, he's a racist pretending to be an engineer and he's trying to teach children about how great cars are. This is not on, I'm going to complain, I want him off my screen for at least a year without pay. Forget this three month Jonathan Ross nonsense, this deserves TRUE PUNISHMENT.

Who's with me?!

Advertising

In a post about adverts I pledge NOT to refer to anything created by a particular brand of chocolate. You know the one...I just don't care.

What I do this is pure genius in its total lack of irony is the 'finallyfast.com ad I caught whilst watching 'Police Interceptors' (deserves an entry - might do one soon) tonight. It appeared towards 10pm in one of the breaks and it came across like something 'The Onion' might put together. An American lad sat at his computer wishing it would go faster. The sound, the lighting, every aspect of it so archaic you wouldn't think the types of computers people were using had even been made in this decade...or even in the last decade.

It was like watching any spoof commercial: corny American accents and wide smiles straight into the camera. It's ridiculous, and it stays ridiculous as every person, sat at every desk, with every computer (little white laptops or normal) sighs and frowns about their slow computers until suddenly FINALLY FAST DOT COM shows them the way to better performing computers. A quick-talking voice-over goes through the FACTS, speeding through his script over techno music which I thought I'd only ever get to hear on sex-text adverts. The graphics are disgusting a...it should be a joke within a tv show, not something someone paid to have appear in between actual programes (albeit police interceptors and crisis point on channel 5's digital titbit).

It does everything to a formula scrapped in the eighties and I love it, I love it most for the kid at the end: "Hey, my computer's fast...finally! Finallfast.com"

In fact...watch it:

Still Here

I promise, I still watch TV, but it seems to be concentrated in to the soap hour (two hours?) of early evenings and followed by however many episodes of 'Friends' E4 cares to throw at me.

It's not that I don't want to watch the Great British Food Fight - I did try but I got bored of Heston and all this talk of having good food at 'Little Chef', the whole premise just didn't sit well with me, IT'S A SERVICE STATION. People will stop by when they want food and that is the nearest place...surely?

I watched latest Oz and James scenario, bit of ale, bit of Yorkshire wine, a caravan, complaining, drunken train journeys, all fine.

BUT what has been really great is 'Plus One' that bizarre new comedy about some bloke's ex-girlfriend going out with Duncan from Blue. The best part is that, in the first episode when the dumped bloke was dreaming up a James Bond scenario he referred to Duncan as 'Fromblue' as though it were his last name. That was a wonderful litttle insert.

Generally it's brilliant for it's poor loser generally unheroic hero who gets himself into all sorts of scrapes and situations in order to find himself a date for the big Fromblue wedding. He tries to run a charity race but fails miserably at cheating, getting his shoes stolen and being accused of being a peadophile. Then, after his troubles, he is almost celebrated for raising the most money (the bulk of which he donated himself) and Fromblue goes ahead and trumps him again. Damn you Blue.

It's hilarious and ridiculous in the way the Inbetweeners was only this time it's straight to Friday night Channel 4....nice.

And if that wasn't all, Skins is back! I don't care about the new 90210 because I've got Bristol rich kids whose immorality is never disguised by 'issues', or at least, any issues are easily ignored as we watch SEX, DRUGS, ROCK N ROLL, FIRE, EXPLOSIONS, FRIGHTENED TEACHERS, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!! I was a bit wary of leaving the old cast behind, one of them now a Slumdog Millionaire and another probably not, having peaked with 'About a Boy', but the episode was as fast-paced and engaging as ever. Always ridiculous, the assembly scene in school was rather irritating but then I suppose it has to be. Enfield made a good appearance and I hope we see more high-end comedy parents. That's the other trouble with a new cast, you've got to bring in new parents and they've got a lot to compete with. Series 2 really saw them get their screen time, Enfield lead the way for Josie Lawrence and others who I've forgotten but definitely love. Not to mention Danny Dyer beind in series 1, nice one Danny.

I'm a bit miffed as to why the teachers had to change as well and why the hell that woman ever did become a post-16 educator if she's so timid. Pandora is obviously the star, she's kind of like a character Katy Brand might have created, young and loose in a whole other show...you see, I can watch ITV sometimes.

My main love affair has been slightly off-telly though still valid due to the triple bills on Channel 5 over the Christmas period: 30 Rock - I was a bit late with this one, my sister made me watch it on the plane to Japan but I'm glad she did. It's fantastic and though when described is frighteningly derivative of the classic Larry Sanders Show, and yes, there are episodes which draw on similar themes (product placement for one) but it also marks an ode as Rip Torn makes his occasional appearance as the big GE Capital boss.

Alec Baldwin is nothing but genius from start to finish, his 'making-of' info-mercial video being a personal highlight; but even the one-liners - "never go with a hippy to a second location" being my new motto for life. Tin Fey is nothing but wonderful and when I watched 'Mean Girls' recently I got extra excited, which is hard to do when watching 'Mean Girls' because it is cinematic gold.

Tracey is at his best when his entourage are around and Frank definitely gets some of the best lines. His droopy face is enough of a picture though.

In so many ways I simply cannot fault this show, each character so perfectly formed and of course Tin Fey's Liz Lemon does hold it together so well. I love the fact that she's a loser and references Star Wars constantly and eats too much takeaway - in fact - eats too much. She wins as my hero for all the things Jack might want to change about her. I also love their friendship, it's such an endearing and heartfelt one, beneath the comedy I genuinely feel the love....

Oh TV, so good to me.

Plus the new Specsavers advert with the pairs of eyes working out....BRILLIANT!