Second Coming

My flatmates and I have a guilty pleasure, I'd imagine most people would be repulsed by it, but we can't help it, it's an addiction, a desperately tragic addiction, and it's to some of the worst television known to man. It's not only shown on ITV2, but it tends to be a fairly late night affair.



This guilt comes twofold, one: 'Test Drive My Girlfriend', something which hasn't been on for a while and which, maybe, just maybe, we've seen every single episode of. Then there's two: 'Calum, Fran and Dangerous Danann', a programme which has been given a new lease of life and the whole series is being shown again.



These two programmes however, are merely examples of our shame, there was of course E4's tragic 'Hollyoaks in the City' which not only ended on a gripping cliffhanger, but got axed so no one will ever know what happened. We also dare to dip into programmes like 'Generation Xcess' and 'The Villa' which are so atrocious even I wince at the 'Ibiza Uncovered' style terror of it all. It's certainly not for the faint hearted and you must ensure that there is absolutely nothing better you could be doing while you're watching it, because if there is, then the guilt will simply devour you.



But alas, these are not what I'm here to discuss and they're certainly not my favourites, no, they're something I view out of complete curisioty, almost as a challenge to myself, just to see if I really mean it when I say I enjoy bad television. A show like 'Test Drive My Girlfriend' though, aa well as 'Calum, Fran...' can be appreciated on a slightly less primitive level, there's a more obvious and satisfying irony to watching those programmes, and by the looks of it, that's essentially why they get made.



'Test Drive My Girlfriend' has many points and layers of hilarity. The concept is simple, Paul Danann helps to find a girl for a desperate boy. He starts by auditioning them, making them do catwalks, and dance provoctavely, and occasionally making them do something relevent to the boy's interests/ideals, so they might make them cook, or demonstrate their knowledge of the offiside rule. There are rarely any more pressing matters than these to attend to. Paul then picks to girls to date, one after another, and finally chooses one he thinks is best suited to the poor lonely batchelor.



Now, as you can see, the very premise of the show is funny enough, Yet, there is more to it, it gets better, and you're looking for more levels of amusement as you watch more episodes, trends begin to form and thus makes it all even funnier. Here are a few of my favourite elements as I have become almost too familiar with the programme:

• The fact that Paul Danann as any kind of womaniser, or indeed, anyone who knows anything about dating women


• The additional and wonderfully sarcastic female narration


• The girls, oh the girls, each evidently handpicked from agencies for young women who just want fame and glamour. If you watch carefully you can see some of those girls in the 'text date' style adverts in the middle of the programme.


• The dates, Paul being useless at everything he tries, the girls being better and his subsequent falling in love for at least one of them, each week.


• The big date, the desperate boy's useless demeanor, Paul's 'batchelor pad' complete with pink corner group and goodness me, the ear piece, Pauls 'advice'.


• And finally, every week, they try to meet up again and the girl never ever shows, so sad...

I only wish I could give you a clip just to show you how addictively good it can really be. I find myself screaming with laughter on some many occasions, getting to know how useless Paul is at almost everything he tries to do.

Which leads me on nicely to Calum, Fran and Dangerous Dannan. I found myself only really eallowing myself any enjoyment from this show after getting to know Dannan in Test Drive... He's a character, he's useless in a lot of ways, physically unfit and unable to do most of anything, he's lazy and has no concept of what exactly is going on in the show, the fact that they are skint, the only way they can get money, is to make money. Poor Paul though, he just doesn't like work.

You see, this show is basically 'The Simple Life', you know, where Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie have to drive around the US and work and live in people's houses and generally live a little less luxuriously then they are used to (of course, not at any point in this programme do they have to survive prison but I'm sure they can create a little reality sitcom out of that one). Though, for Calum, Fran and Paul there is less of The Simple Life and more of 'The Easy Life' they've got paid for hotels each night so accommodation is not a worry, they just have to earn enough money for petrol to get them across Route 66 to their final destination. In fact, I know little of Route 66 but I've been told that they do not even have to travel half of it. So, there's not much to it really, earn some money for food or petrol, the former of which they have been given by their employers in some episodes, and then go on your merry way. What they often find themselves doing instead though, is once they've been handed their cash, they go straight for the nearest boozer. They get ver drunk, spend all their hard-earned cash within the first hour, hunt for girls and all manner of naughtiness, and get into fights with each other.

Yet, this isn't even the most interesting element to this reality road trip. The beauty is in the obvious manipulation by the producers. Each job pays by the amount of work and effort the boys have put in, so they'll often be given different amounts at the end of the day. Paul, as mentioned earlier does very little in most job situations, and yet he gets paid almost the same as either Fran or Calum every time. There's always one winner, and both Fran and Calum always deserve the most cash. However, somehow, someone says 'ooh, let's just give Paul a little more than he deserves, just to see what happens...' the faces on those boys are priceless.

I realise now though, I began writing this when the programme had been given a little rebirth, but alas, I've not seen it since. So, we'll just have to wait until I find some more ITV classics to throw in. Unfortunately I can't give The Villa the benefit of a full post, it's not worth it, I couldn't even stoop that low.